One measure of life is not how we see ourselves but how others see us. To be specific, how others need us, and the roles we play in relationships that we create. We can think of these roles from the greatest amount of power to the control of the weakest. Your value system in one way or the other determines the kind of relationships you give in to. I will Draw your attention to some few facts in relationship via the different relationship categories you can find yourself;

• The Needy: Some will look up to you to hold them up, bail them out, take over when they are overwhelmed, and make things right. You may take on this role because it is part of your values —Helping the needy — but this may be the allure of being needed. This relationship is unbalanced. The danger is that you get burned out, that you don’t feel appreciated or that they eventually outgrow you, leaving you alone and looking for someone else to save.

• The Helper: You’re the guy everyone always hits up to be on that church committee, to run the bake sale for the PTA, to be the assistant coach for the kids’ soccer team. Unlike the Needy, you’re not saving anyone, but like them, helping may be part of your values and feeling needing may draw you in. You also may have a difficult time saying no and setting boundaries, thereby making yourself a man-pleaser. The danger here is this; you will burnout with periodic resentment because you’re doing the heavy lifting when others are not, or because everyone seems to take you for granted.

• The Decision-maker: Others turn to you for your knowledge, your leadership, your ability to be the final word on big decisions. There are several variations. In the most positive version, others respect you and see you as a sage because of your experience and/or age. Some others may come to you because they see you as a drill sergeant who is in control and runs a tight ship, and they are afraid to make independent decisions. In a milder version, they are not afraid, but through your attitude and direction, you have trained others to be dependent on you. The down side of this category is – You get control at the cost of having to be responsible for and often essentially do it all. Like the others, you can get burned out, resentful, or upset when others leave because they are tired of your control and/or outgrow you.

• The Confidant: You’re easy to talk to and to open up to, and people share their secrets and troubles with you. You may not offer wisdom that much but offer honest and healing listening. Empathy comes with your personality. Like the others, your values include helping others. You appreciate the intimacy. Like the Needy category, the relationship can be unbalanced, and intimacy may be one-sided. You give, but maybe you don’t get or at least don’t get much.

• Balanced Intimacy: In this category, it is “give and take” and “helping and being helped”. This is relatively balanced, and the intimacy is two-sided. You have the desire for balance and the ability to be sensitive to others but able to set boundaries; there is no strong need to be in charge, be in control or be important.  80% of human are involved in this kind of relationship while the remaining 20% is involved in the other categories consciously or unconsciously.

• The “Self- centered”: Here, People don’t seem to need you. People don’t see you as reliable, or they believe that you are too preoccupied with your own issues or needy. Or you seem to put up emotional walls and set firm boundaries, creating a sense of self-sufficiency and detachment that keeps others from approaching you. You too are in unbalanced relationships in which you take but don’t give much back, which causes resentment and burnout in others because your emotional walls radiate negative energy while your dependency on others makes you fearful of their pulling away. And if you adopt the self-sufficiency stance you may avoid the burnout or resentment of the other roles, but at the cost of isolation and a lack of true intimacy.

Every human being on this earth fall under one or more of these categories. It’s necessary to figure out which category is predominant with you, check the downsides and upsides, and resolve to making your relationship experience a better one. Also, this will help you in self-discovery and development. Valentine is here!!! Everyone needs a show of love one way or the other and understanding these categories of relationships will help you in improving your relationship.